It's not about me!

I didn't want to go to church today.  Really I didn't.  I wanted to lay in bed as long as I could indulging in all the self-pity as well as self-incrimination I've been wallowing in for the past several months.  But God wouldn't let me stay in bed.  So I got up, got dressed and headed to church by myself since Lance was at work.  And it was WONDERFUL!!! 

God opened my eyes.

I saw myself and how I've been behaving lately.

I saw more than me, I saw what my actions were doing to others.

And I was ashamed at what I saw. 

What did I see?

I saw a complainer.

I saw a blamer.

I saw a self-centered whiner.

I saw how wrong I was.

I was so busy justifying my beliefs at what I felt was wrong at my church that I WOULDN'T look at myself and why I felt so strongly about my beliefs.  And I was wrong.  Totally wrong.  Absolutely wrong.  Irrevocably wrong.   Why? 

Because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!   Whatever happens in church, at home, at work, on the road, in my family, with my friends... It's not about me.  It's about God.  And how I am to serve Him. 

I've been complaining that I've been a member of our church for almost 19 years, "serving faithfully", working so hard for the church, giving up MY time and MY needs and people haven't noticed that I haven't been in attendance.  I even had a great argument for this complaint.  And I told people.  I presented my arguments.  I argued over their arguments to win my argument (lots of arguing going on there).  And even though I was totally wrong, I continued to argue.  Until today.  Until I heard what God wanted me to hear.  It's not about me.

Yet it is about me.  Just not the way I was thinking.  Today I learned something I already knew but didn't really think about in detail and I'm gonna let you in on this.  I'm hoping I can covey this as clearly as it was presented to me (but with my ADD, you never know what will come outta this brain) and if something brilliant comes out of it, just know that I'm only telling what I heard.  I'm not nearly smart enough to know all of this..

One day, we will all face God and have to account for our time on earth.  I've always "said" that I am dreading that day because I know I will be ashamed of what God will have to say to me.  I've minimized the importance of this moment.  Kinda played it off like I'm a Christian so I know that even though I may not have done my absolute best for God, He's not gonna kick me out of heaven and my rewards will be less than others.  But I was wrong in my thinking of this.  Because yes, we will be held accountable for what we've done with our time on earth but it's not only the big things we will be judged on but the little things also.  And every time we say no or "not right now" to God, a series of events happen that reach farther and longer than we can ever imagine.  This is called a "ripple effect" and even though I've always thought we would have to answer for our actions once we die and go to Heaven, I found out today that although we will have to stand before Jesus, it most likely won't be immediately at our death.  We can't answer for our actions until the "ripples" we caused are all done.   Depending on the severity of our actions, that could take a really long time. 

Think about this:  What if God had told someone to witness or show kindness to Hitler when he was just a boy and they did as God asked and Hitler accepted Christ as his Savior.  Then millions of lives would have been saved.  And those lives that were saved could have led others to Christ and so on and so on.  See, ripple effect.  But the reverse also happens.  Maybe God did tell someone to witness or show kindness to Hitler and they said no and Hitler became the way he was because someone didn't obey God.  We all know what millions of lives were lost and even today, we are still affected by the Holocaust.  Again, ripple effect.  And it's not done yet.  So, you see, you can't stand before Jesus and answer for your life until all the ripples are done.  And we could have some mighty big ripples in our lives, depending on how faithful we are to God and following His word.

Anyways, I got home and was talking to Lance about all of this and I realized that I've caused some bad ripples by my actions.  Because I thought it was all about me and my feelings and my opinion.  And I was a major idiot.  I'm responsible for MY actions.  I'm responsible for how I respond to situations.  My response to all things should be what God wants from me.  I don't matter, only God does.  100 years from now, there probably won't be anyone who remembers who I am or what I looked like.  BUT, they will know who God is and how important He is.  And if, by chance, I am remembered, I want to be remembered for living a life for God and not for myself.  I want to be meet my death with the knowledge that I won't have to stand ashamed in front of Jesus when he takes an account of my life.  I want to hear Jesus tell me:  Good job, I'm proud of you Gayle.  Welcome home!

God's still at work in me

Wow!  I have no other words for this.   "Wow" doesn't seem to do this justice but God is really working on me and answering my prayers and questions.  Yesterday I shared with you what my friend sent me by email.  She knows everything I've been struggling with and the anger, frustration and dejection I've been feeling in my heart.  Look what she sent me today.  She got it today from her daily "Proverbs 31 Ministry" email list:

April 5, 2012

God, I’m a Little Mad and a Lot Confused
Lysa TerKeurst

“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2 (NIV)When God doesn’t seem to be answering our prayers it can be hard. Sometimes, downright awful. One minute I’m determined to trust God. In the next, I feel myself slipping. The “why” questions tumble in so hard. My heart hurts. My eyes leak. And in those raw moments I just feel a little mad and a lot confused. Ever been there? I don’t want to oversimplify what to do in these times. I know from prayer requests I’ve received over the years many of us are facing really tough issues. Situations where the answers aren’t easy or clear cut. But I have discovered a few things that help me when God seems silent …* Press in to God when you want to pull away.

When I really want to hear from God but He seems silent, I sometimes find I want to disengage from my normal spiritual activities. Skip church. Put my Bible on my shelf. And let more and more time lapse between prayers. But the Bible says we will find God if we seek Him with all our heart. Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (NIV). All my heart includes the parts that are broken. Bring it all to God. He can handle your honesty and will respond. But we have to position ourselves to go where truth is. Go to church. Listen to praise music. Read verses. Memorize verses. And keep talking to God.* Praise God out loud when you want to get lost in complaints.

In the midst of what you’re facing, find simple things for which to praise God. I don’t mean thank Him for the hard stuff. I mean thank Him for the other simple, good things still in the midst. A child’s laugh. A bush that blooms. The warmth of a blanket. The gift of this breath and then the next. Psalm 40:3 reminds me God will give me a new song when I make praise the habit of my heart and mouth. “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD” (NIV).* Put yourself in the company of truth.

That friend that speaks truth? Listen to her. Stay connected to her. Let her speak truth into your life even when you’re tired of hearing it. Stand in the shadow of her faith when you feel your own faith is weak. Let her lead you back to God time and time again. Proverbs 12:26, “One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor …” (ESV).It’s okay to feel a little mad and a lot confused. Our God is big enough to handle our honest feelings. But don’t let your feelings lead you away from God or away from His truth. Press into Him. Praise Him. And put yourself in the company of truth. As you stay with God in these ways, you will become ready to receive His answer when it comes.

Dear Lord, thank You for hearing every ‘why’ my heart sends up to You. Forgive me when I retreat from You and Your Word. I want to trust You more. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Bring it all to God. He can handle your honesty and will respond. In the midst of what you’re facing, what simple things can you praise God for? That friend that speaks truth? Why not give her a call and set up a time to get together?

Power Verses:

Psalm 42:3-5, “My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

I'm definitely going to follow Lisa's blog and you can too at:
http://lysaterkeurst.com/

Thank you God for continuing to minister to me through my friends and technology.  Thank you for showing me that you're not giving up on me and that no matter how far I fall, You are always there to pick me up and bring me back home.  I pray for Your continued guidance and forgiveness as I struggle with the sin in my life.

Ask and God Answers

I've been talking to several friends about what I'm going through and my feelings.  And, yes, I have been talking to God about it too.  And God is listening to me.  Today he had a friend forward me the following email and I felt like it was written specifically for me:

I Can’t Think Straight! 

Glynnis Whitwer

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 (NIV)I felt like I was walking in circles. My to-do list was long but I was accomplishing nothing. Nothing except shifting messes from one place to another and getting increasingly frustrated with myself.Why couldn’t I think straight!? Urgency pulled and tugged, creating anxiety, yet I couldn’t get myself unstuck.Many days I just plod along, hoping that somehow I’ll pull myself together and move forward. Sadly, my success rate with that approach is pretty low. Just doing more doesn’t help when my mind is scattered.My biggest challenge with bringing order to my day and home usually isn’t found externally. It’s not too much to do, too small closets, or too many kids running around. Yes, those can be challenges, but they aren’t the biggest one.My biggest foe is my cluttered mind. When I don’t think straight, I can’t solve problems.Our minds are the command center of managing our lives. We may blame outside pressures for our problems, but many times the issue is within: minds that aren’t seeking help from the Source of all wisdom and clarity—God.As Christians we have a direct line to God’s wisdom as our key verse promises. Plus, we have the Holy Spirit living in us who is our Counselor (John 14:26), and as the Bible tells us, we have “the mind of Christ” (1 Cor. 2:16). That’s a powerhouse of help!But we don’t always tap into this Source of help. And when we do, if the truth were told, we often don’t really expect God to answer us. Others, those super-spiritual types, may hear from God. But not me, we think.And so we struggle with problem-solving. We are frustrated at our circumstances, confused about what to do, discouraged and defeated. It’s a downward cycle.For years, I never even thought to ask God for help making little decisions. Maybe I’d bring Him in on the big decisions, but the little ones I figured I could handle myself. Oh, how I missed out on so much clarity and focus.If you are having trouble thinking, ask God to clear your mind and direct your decision-making. Then trust He is doing just that. Once you ask God to speak to you, expect it to happen. This expectation is crucial to hearing from God. Here what James 1:5-8 says:“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”If you do start to doubt, then take that thought captive and choose to trust that God has spoken. Listening and trusting are important parts of prayer, because prayer is not always to get God to move.Many times, prayer positions us to hear God’s direction on how we should move. Through prayer, we align our hearts to God’s heart, and things become clearer.Is the clutter in your mind making it hard to think clearly? Perhaps one of the problems is you’re trying to figure things out on your own. We’ve been given the mind of Christ and we are offered the wisdom of God. Let’s ask and receive.Lord, You know how hard it is for me to focus sometimes. It’s hard to figure out what needs to be done. I just feel overwhelmed and discouraged. I know You aren’t a God of confusion, so I ask for Your wisdom and clarity to help bring order to my chaotic mind. In Jesus Name, Amen.
 (visit Glynnis'sblog at:  http://glynniswhitwer.com/)

 

How amazing was that?  And how great is God that he knows my problems better than I do and he had to "open my eyes" for me to see the truth.  I pray that God continues to open my eyes to a closer relationship with him.

When God calls.... be ready

So, I've confessed.  I'm a sinner.  Worse, I'm an angry sinner.  I'm angry with the things I perceive as unfair or wrong going on around me.  I'm not going to use this blog as a platform to bash people or point fingers.  Nor am I going to use it to "enforce" my opinion.  Because that is just what it is.  My opinion.  Opinions are like water . They can be corrosive or they can be soothing.  And an angry opinion will only end up being corrosive. 

When you are angry, it's hard to find forgiveness in your heart.  Why?  We cling to our anger as a way to justify our actions.  And mostly, anger only "enhances" our negative opinions.  Anger and opinions don't mix well when you're struggling with your Christian walk. 

Anger is love disappointed.... How true is that statement?  When we are angry, we disappoint God.  And God is Love.  Hence, anger is love disappointed.  And I'm disappointing God right now.

I've asked Him to let me know what He wants me do do with my life.  Where He wants me to be.  Where He wants me to worship. 

 I asked God if I'm supposed to change churches.  I've been feeling disconnected from my church and I know it's mostly my fault.  Know what???  God still answers prayers... Even when I'm disappointing Him, He still hears me.   Yesterday, I heard from 2 of my friends from church and they were asking about me.  They wanted to know how I was doing.  And the funniest part is that one phone call was totally from God. 

I was driving home yesterday, singing at the top of my lungs like one can only do when they are alone in their car.  And I'm a HORRIBLE singer.  I was compared to a cat screeching at the top of it's lungs. 

I can't carry a tune and I've figured out that most of the lyrics I'm singing are wrong.  So, as you can expect, it's not a pretty thing to witness. 


So, there I am, in my car, singing as though I didn't have a care in the world.  I had just hung up my cell from talking to my husband and I KNOW I DOUBLE CHECKED MY PHONE to make sure I WAS NOT CONNECTED to him.  I had my phone resting on my thigh, facing towards my leg when I suddenly felt it vibrate and ring.  I answered the phone to find a dear friend on the other line asking me if I liked singing. 

Automatically, I assumed that she had passed me on the highway and saw my facial acrobatics.  But noooo... that would have been too easy.  I actually "butt dialed" her!  She was standing in the church parking lot listening to me sing.  LIVE and UNCUT...  It wasn't pretty...  I know what you're thinking.  So you butt dialed someone.  Happens all of the time.  But this friend isn't on my quick dial list.  She's listed like most of my friends, in the contacts section.  To call her, I have to open my contacts, find her and pick her cell #.  Lots of steps to call her.  BUT yesterday, my phone called her.  Not me.. My phone.  And during our conversation, I confessed my problems with sin and the questions I had been having.

When I got home, I was telling my husband about the call and it hit me.  I DIDN'T CALL HER!!  My phone was locked.  I made sure of it.  So what happened?  The only answer I could reach was that God called her from my phone.  God had to have made the connection because I wasn't even touching my phone.  And by calling her, I was encouraged in my fellowship at church.  I was shown that someone cared.  When I thought no one noticed I wasn't at church, someone cared.  And not just 1 someone.  2 people called me.  On the same day. Coincidence?  I don't belive so.  God answering my prayer?  Totally. 

So, in my walk back to God, I'm getting the encouragement I'm so desparate for.  He's listening to me and He's not given up on me, even when I've almost given up on myself.